Alice Shaw

No, I Don’t Want to Sleep with your Husband

In Uncategorized on May 23, 2011 at 4:09 am

I have never considered myself much of a vamp or seductress.  On the days I am not racing through drop off and tearing off to work, late as always, I schlep up to the school in jeans and a t-shirt, jumper and boots in the winter, thongs in the summer.  I barely register anyone else around me, as I sort once again through lost property in search of a long lost school jumper and question my daughter, once again, on why she needs to bring every one of her books to school, making her bag so heavy I can barely lift it.  So this is my least sexy time.  My hair is brushed, my teeth are clean and that is about it.

 So what is it about me that prompts certain school mums to assume that I want to have sex with their husbands?  I dread to think that it is merely my single mother status that sends them scurrying about, grabbing their husband’s arms with vice like grips, and even literally turning their backs to me.  I am not even kidding.  This has actually happened to me. 

 I recently attended at a picnic to farewell one of my child’s class mates.  I’ve never liked the mother, she’s always been decidedly unfriendly and I’m pretty sure my kid has hardly ever played with her kid.  My kid just wanted to hang out with her friends on a weekend.  So I gritted my teeth and along I went.  In a big baggy cardigan and no makeup, I sat on my own picnic rug and said hello politely to each new arrival, but not once did I bend over and seductively wave my somewhat ample derriere in the face of an unsuspecting husband.  I waited for the various snacks to be passed around and refrained from leaning over any nearby husband to brush my buxom bosom against his innocently placed arm.  I just sat there!  And yet, even though I tried to have conversations with those around me, the husbands acted really strangely and I am pretty sure it wasn’t due to any broccoli in teeth type situation.  I think it’s because their wives were giving me (and them) the hairy eyeball every time I so much as glanced in the direction of any bloke there.

 I’m sorry they’re so insecure in their marriages that they assume their husbands will stray.  I’m sorry that being in the proximity of a divorced woman scares them so much they assume my siren song will be so seductive that their husbands will be powerless against it.  I understand feeling a little insecure from time to time but newsflash, divorce isn’t catching, it won’t rub off me onto you!

 So here’s the thing.  I don’t sleep with other women’s husbands or partners.  I don’t want to.  Most of the time they are not very attractive and a lot of them are either arrogant, or stupid, or both.  But the main reason I don’t want to sleep with their husbands?  Because they’re already married!  Just because I am single, does not mean I have every man in my sights and I am definitely not interested in a man who would cheat on his wife.  Okay?

 My suggestion for any woman who panics like this?  Maybe have a chat with your guy about how you are feeling.  Perhaps even consider some couples counselling. And maybe strike up a conversation with me sometime.  You will see how completely non-predatory I am and you may even make a new friend.  Seems to me like you might need one.

  1. Once I was at my god-daughter’s 5th birthday party (and married!) and the group of dad’s were around the bbq listening to the football on the radio and I asked the score. Cue mumbled responses and no eye contact. Weird. The death stares from the mum’s for daring to speak to their husbands was even weirder. Such a strange dynamic but obviously not uncommon.

  2. Not just me then.. good to know Stace 🙂

  3. I get that too… and I’m not interested in those husbands either. Far prefer to have a man in my life who can pay attention to me and not have to accept only that which he could steal from his wife and family. Actually right now, I would prefer no man. It’s bliss without one (until the kids start fighting and you’d love to just go for a long, solitary drive)

  4. I hear you on that long solitary drive Liz! Thanks for the comment and welcome 🙂

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